The Night MASH Almost Ended

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"I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody."

Hawkeye (Alan Alda)

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We know that MASH was one of the most popular TV shows of all time. It lasted 11 seasons, and it was in the Top 10 — if not the Top 5 — most of the time.

But as it was nearing the end of its first season, the future was really in doubt. MASH ended the 1972–73 season ranked No. 46.

The episode that aired on this night in 1973, "Ceasefire," was written when the decision about a second season had not been made — so two scripts were written. If the show was canceled, the script in which the war ended would be used. If it was picked up for a second season, the script in which the ceasefire turned out to be a false alarm would be used.

It isn't necessary, I am sure, to say which one it was. MASH ran until 1983.

Anyway, on to the episode.

Gen. Clayton (Herb Voland) informed Henry (McLean Stevenson) that a ceasefire was imminent — but that was unofficial, he warned Henry.

Nevertheless, Henry couldn't keep news like that to himself, and before long the entire camp was celebrating. Radar (Gary Burghoff) went around the camp to get messages and signatures for a memory book. Klinger (Jamie Farr) proceeded to give away his dresses, figuring he wouldn't need them anymore, now that the war was coming to an end.

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But Trapper (Wayne Rogers) didn't believe it. He said this kind of thing always happens in a war, and he bet Hawkeye $50 that the ceasefire would turn out to be a phony.

In the meantime, Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) was putting up a brave front, telling Frank (Larry Linville) that he was not to worry about her, that he was to go back to his old life and pick up where he left off. "I'm not going to make any trouble."

Hot Lips apparently wanted Frank to say something like he would leave his old life behind and stay with her. But he didn't do that. He told Hot Lips he wished she could meet his wife. "You'd like her," he said. That wasn't quite what she wanted to hear.

For the first time, Hawkeye acknowledged that he had a wife — but he did so for a different reason. He did so to avoid having to commit to all the women he had been with at MASH 4077. This caused considerable social difficulties for Hawkeye when word spread through the camp that he was married with five children.

That wasn't true, of course. Hawkeye was a bachelor. He just wanted to avoid complications. It worked beyond his wildest dreams.

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While we're on the subject, this wasn't the final episode of the season for MASH, but it was the final appearance by Marcia Strassman. She was mostly considered Hawkeye's girl in that first season, but then she left the show and went on to become Mrs. Kotter on Welcome Back, Kotter a few years later.

Anyway, to celebrate the ceasefire, Gen. Clayton came to the 4077th, where a commemorative slide show was presented in Clayton's honor. It included shots of the general in his private moments — exiting the latrine and cuddling with Hot Lips.

Then the hammer came down. A communique was handed to the general informing him that the ceasefire was off.

Trapper had won his bet — and the show went on for another decade.

Major Winchester Passes Away

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Charles (David Ogden Stiers): What is that odor?

Radar (Gary Burghoff): Uh, north wind, cesspool; east wind, latrine.

Charles: The wind is from the south.

Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.

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David Ogden Stiers was not a charter member of the cast of TV's MASH. He was a midseries replacement for Larry Linville, who played the inept Frank Burns in the first five seasons of the series.

But Charles Emerson Winchester III, the character Stiers played, was far from inept. He was, in fact, a top–notch surgeon — and by the time the series ended 35 years ago (as of last Wednesday), he had long since ceased to be regarded as a replacement but a full–fledged cast member. When all was said and done, he appeared in more episodes than Linville — in fact, only seven other people appeared in more episodes than he did, and all but two (Harry Morgan and Mike Farrell) had been in the cast from the start.

Stiers died yesterday at the age of 75. He had been suffering from bladder cancer.

Stiers may always be remembered as Charles Emerson Winchester III, a role for which he earned two Emmy nominations, but he played many roles in his career, and much of his work was providing the voices for characters in film and TV projects.

He may be equally remembered for his work on Disney movies, particularly 1991's "Beauty and the Beast," after his MASH days were over.

Personally, there are a couple of his post–MASH performances that stand out in my memory. A few years after MASH ended, Stiers was Alexander Haig in a TV movie based on Woodward and Bernstein's book "The Final Days" about the end of the Nixon presidency. The other memory is his appearance on Frasier as a former research colleague of Frasier's mother who was visiting Seattle after many years living abroad.

In MASH, Stiers' character was known for his fondness for classical music. In reality, he was a talented musician who was resident conductor of the Newport Symphony in Newport, Ore., where he lived and died, and he was guest conductor for more than 70 orchestras the world over.

Few people were as versatile as Stiers, and I will always remember that versatility on MASH, but I saw him in other roles and was always impressed by his talent.

Rest in peace, Major.

The Pursuit of Perfection

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Henry (McLean Stevenson): Pierce, there is a war on!

Hawkeye (Alan Alda): Nothing gets by you, Henry.

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Hawkeye (Alan Alda) was a superior surgeon to Frank (Larry Linville), but he was an inferior–grade officer, and that was a source of endless frustration for Frank.

Frank wouldn't concede that Hawkeye was better at anything, but it was easier for him to complain about Hawkeye from the perspective of military discipline. As a surgeon, Hawkeye sometimes had to bail Frank out when his ham–handed techniques made a patient's condition worse, but as a military man, Hawkeye seldom wore a uniform, never saluted superior officers and generally treated the Army with disdain.

In the episode of MASH that first aired on this night in 1973, "Sticky Wicket," Hawkeye's prowess as a surgeon came into question, and Frank clearly loved it, especially since Hawkeye had just told him, "I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff."

But then Hawkeye had a patient who continued to have problems after a long session in the O.R.

"What went wrong, Super Surgeon?" Frank asked Hawkeye. "Operating with one hand tied behind your back again?"

Hawkeye tried to silence Frank, but it didn't work.

"Last night I was Mr. Screwup, remember?" Frank persisted.

"Dr. Screwup," Hawkeye replied, "and it still goes."

"Oh, really?" Frank continued. "Well, I haven't killed anybody this week. What about you, big shot?"

The case was really getting under Hawkeye's skin. He was obsessing about it even as life at the 4077th went on as usual.

For example, in The Swamp, Trapper (Wayne Rogers) and Radar (Gary Burghoff) were involved in a poker game. Radar bluffed Trapper out of a pot, and the two exchanged words.

Hawkeye, who had been quietly contemplating the situation with his patient, became annoyed.

"Can't you guys do that somewhere else?" Hawkeye demanded.

"Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?" Trapper replied.

"I'm not doing anything," Hawkeye said.

"Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?" Trapper asked.

So Hawkeye moved from The Swamp, and everyone came by for one reason or another — including Henry (McLean Stevenson), who told Hawkeye he was losing his perspective "because one patient has gone sour. In an outfit like this, that's bad."

He told Hawkeye to put off posturing as Dr. Perfect until he went home where he could be more selective about the patients he treated.

As Hawkeye reflected on things, though, an answer came to him. He operated on the patient in the dead of night and found what was causing the problem.

"Anybody could have missed that," said Frank, who had been observing the operation.

And the rift between them was patched up — until the next time Frank screwed up.

Bombing Out

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Frank (Larry Linville): There's an unexploded shell out there.

Hawkeye (Alan Alda): We know, Frank, we know.

Frank: We've got to evacuate immediately!

Hawkeye: I think I did.

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If there is anything a sports fan truly loves, it is a rivalry. Nothing can get a sports fan's blood racing quite like a rivalry.

It can be an individual rivalry, like the Ali–Frazier fights. Or it can be a team rivalry, like Oklahoma and Texas or North Carolina and Duke.

And there is no rivalry that can compare to the Army–Navy rivalry.

The first game was played long before my time, of course, but I have always known that the Army–Navy football game is one of sports' most enduring rivalries. American presidents have attended the game. Instant replay was first used during an Army–Navy broadcast.

There was a time when the Army–Navy game drew national attention — and it still takes the spotlight at the tail end of the regular season although it rarely has national implications anymore (but that isn't for lack of trying. A website tries to ramp up interest by telling you exactly how much time remains until the next Army–Navy game!)

Army–Navy had national implications during World War II, and I guess it still did during the Korean War because the episode of MASH that first aired on this night in 1973, "The Army–Navy Game," used the rivalry as the backdrop of the story.

Everyone at the 4077th was following the game, even Father Mulcahy (William Christopher), although he lost interest when he realized Notre Dame wasn't playing. Henry (McLean Stevenson) located the broadcast on the radio, which reported that it was the 53rd meeting between the schools. In the timeline of the series, that would be the game that was played in 1952, which Navy won 7–0.

That wasn't the outcome in this episode, though. Well, it was the same winner, but it was a different score. Much different. The score that was reported in this episode was Navy 42, Army 36. I have looked through the scores in the series, and no Army–Navy game has ever ended with that score.

Also, since the Korean War ended in 1953, the 53rd clash between the schools would have been played less than a year before the MASH folks went home. Yet the series went on for another 10 years and underwent several cast changes.

Oh, well. Details, details.

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Henry, as I say, managed to locate the game on the radio, and the teams were getting things started when the 4077th found itself under attack. After the initial explosion rocked the compound, Hawkeye (Alan Alda) remarked, "That guy can really kick the ball!"

And in the middle of everything a big bomb landed in the middle of the compound — and didn't go off.

This bomb became Priority #1 for the 4077th, which tried to contact folks in the Army and Navy who could help them defuse it.

But they were all obsessed with the game. One agreed to look into the markings that had been observed on the bomb, but he told the people at the 4077th not to call him back until halftime.

So then it became a waiting game.

While they were waiting, Henry told Radar (Gary Burghoff) a story from his college days at Illinois — when, as team manager, Henry had run out on the field to tape the injured ankle of a star player before the pivotal play in the final seconds of the football game. It turned out that Henry had taped the wrong ankle. The player fell to the ground, screaming in pain, long before he could get near the end zone.

And Illinois lost the game.

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The best part of the story, though, is often cut for syndication; if you want to see it (and you should), it may be necessary to watch the episode on DVD. Radar thought the player had been tackled short of the goal line, but that, of course, was not correct. Henry confided that the star player still came to Henry's house once a year to shoot out the front porch light. Apparently he had not forgotten Henry's error, and he wanted to be sure Henry didn't forget, either.

"And he's a judge now," Henry lamented.

Eventually, it was determined that the CIA probably was behind the bomb — but the CIA wouldn't tell anyone its business so that couldn't be confirmed. So Hawkeye and Trapper (Wayne Rogers) were dispatched to defuse it. Henry would give them the best instructions they had available via megaphone — but Henry messed up the directions, and Hawkeye and Trapper tried to get away from the bomb before it went off.

They only got a few feet.

The explosion, though, was not the expected kind. It turned out to be a propaganda bomb that showered sheets of paper with "Give up. You can't win. — Douglas MacArthur" written on them.

In the best tradition of the times, MASH ridiculed both war and government in the same episode. That would be the norm in the years to come, but it was still new in 1973.

Taking the Longjohn Way Home

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Trapper (Wayne Rogers): Full house. Ha ha!

Radar (Gary Burghoff): I guess that beats two pair, right?

Trapper: It sure does! What were they?

Radar: Tens.

Trapper: Yeah? Tens and what?

Radar: That's it. Two pairs of tens.

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As the viewers of the 2018 Winter Olympics have been reminded, the winters in Korea are notorious for their severity, and the folks at Quartermaster Corps were forever sending the wrong things to the 4077th.

By "wrong," of course, I mean inappropriate.

In the latest round of harsh winter weather, the 4077th received a shipment of mosquito netting and summer underwear — items that would be useful in about six months when the rugged Korean summer set in. What everyone needed — and only one person had in the episode of MASH that aired on this night in 1973, "The Longjohn Flap" — was long underwear.

Hawkeye (Alan Alda) was that solitary individual. He had received some longjohns from home.

But he was an old softie at heart, and he gave his long underwear to Trapper (Wayne Rogers) when Trapper started sneezing.

That was only the beginning. Before the episode was over the longjohns had made their way around the camp and had, seemingly, been in everyone's possession — however briefly — at one time or another.

Trapper, in an attempt to make back what he had lost in poker, bet the long underwear against Radar (Gary Burghoff) — and lost. Radar, in turn, used the longjohns to score some points with a pretty nurse but changed his mind and swapped the longjohns to the cook for a leg of lamb and mint jelly.

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That was when Frank (Larry Linville) entered the picture. Frank was giving the cook a hard time about the cleanliness of his kitchen and threatened to bust him a rank. That was when the cook decided to bribe Frank with the longjohns.

Frank ended up giving the longjohns to Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) to prove his love for her (after he declined, once again, to divorce his wife), but Klinger (Jamie Farr) stole the longjohns from Hot Lips when she wasn't looking.

Overcome with guilt, Klinger confessed his sin to Father Mulcahy (William Christopher) and left the longjohns with him. The priest took them to Henry (McLean Stevenson), who promised to stay close to them until he had spoken to everyone in camp in an effort to find the rightful owner.

"Look, I'm planning on conducting a very thorough investigation," Henry said. "It might take a couple of months."

Henry never got a chance to conduct a tent–to–tent search, though. Hawkeye and Trapper had to rush him onto the operating table before his appendix burst. They were successful, which was reported to the camp by way of the P.A. system. The announcement drew mild applause. Then it was announced that the longjohns had been saved. By the raucous celebration, one would assume peace had just been declared.

In gratitude, Henry returned the longjohns to Hawkeye.

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It was a format that would be revisited about a year later when Hawkeye, in need of a new pair of boots, struck deals with everyone in the compound. The house of cards ultimately collapsed, and Hawkeye wound up on the losing end in that episode.

But in the episode that aired tonight, he was the winner — even though Trapper started sneezing again.

The Naked Truth

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On this night in 1973, MASH revisited a theme it first explored in the Christmas season of 1972 — a letter from Hawkeye to his father updating him on the activities at the 4077th.

"Dear Dad ... Again" followed the same format as its predecessor, but it did it a little better the second time around.

Take Hawkeye's update on Klinger (Jamie Farr), for example. Klinger had taken to wearing a white wedding dress.

Hawkeye was complimentary. "It's easy to go overboard with one of those things," he told Klinger, "but that's tasteful without being gaudy."

He did have some constructive criticism for Klinger, though.

"You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts."

Hawkeye began working on a letter to his father out of sheer boredom, and he claimed he wasn't the only one in camp who was bored and complacent. He made a bet with Trapper (Wayne Rogers) that he could walk into the mess hall naked, and no one would notice.

He lost that bet, and as he was leaving, he encountered Klinger, who said, "Now that's tasteful without being gaudy!"

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Frank (Larry Linville) and Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) had a falling out, and a despondent Frank returned to the Swamp with a rare request. He wanted a drink from Hawkeye and Trapper's still. Then, while under the influence, he confessed to them that his brother had called him Ferret Face when they were younger.

Late arrivals to the MASH series probably heard folks at the 4077th calling him Ferret Face in subsequent seasons, but they most likely thought it originated in the camp — unless they saw the first–season episode in syndicated reruns.

Radar (Gary Burghoff) became a high school graduate via a correspondence course. He had to verify his final grades before receiving his diploma so he tried to sneak them past Henry (McLean Stevenson) along with other documents Henry had to sign. It didn't work; Henry insisted that the grades that were reported had to be legitimate.

Sometimes Henry's conversations with Radar were worth the price of admission. In this episode, they were pure gold. When Henry asked Radar about the document, Radar told him the contents were restricted.

"You can tell me," Henry replied. "It's got my name on it."

The primary story centered on a Capt. Casey (Alex Henteloff), a new member of the medical staff who was a superb surgeon. Everyone was wowed by the things he did in the O.R. — until Hawkeye learned through Radar that Capt. Casey wasn't really a surgeon. He was an impostor.

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Casey told Hawkeye he had done other things — such as practicing law and working as an engineer — that required specialized training, but he had never had the patience to do things by the numbers. Hawkeye promised to report him to the authorities if he ever caught Casey practicing medicine without the proper credentials — and insisted that Casey (whose real name turned out to be Schwartz) look him up the minute he got those credentials. "You're a damn fine surgeon," he said.

What most people probably did not know at the time the episode was first broadcast — and what most people probably still do not know — is that the character was based on a real impostor from the Korean War era — a fellow named Ferdinand Waldo Demara.

Demara pretended to be many things — among them an engineer, a prison warden, a monk, a teacher, a cancer researcher. He also masqueraded as a Canadian war ship's surgeon and operated on 16 people during the Korean War.

The character in the MASH episode was based on Demara, but it wasn't the first time his life story was fictionalized like that. In 1960 the movie "The Great Impostor" was based on Demara's exploits and starred Tony Curtis in the title role.

Life Isn't a Movie

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"There are certain rules about a war, and Rule No. 1 is young men die. Rule No. 2 is doctors can't change Rule No. 1."

Henry (McLean Stevenson)

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In its early years, MASH was primarily — but not exclusively — slapstick comedy.

By the time it ended its run in 1983, MASH enjoyed a reputation as a unique sitcom that routinely — and successfully — blended humor and drama — but even though those early episodes leaned heavily toward comedy, viewers got some glimpses of the future in the series' first season (1972–73).

One such glimpse occurred 45 years ago tonight when the episode "Sometimes You Hear the Bullet" first aired. For the first time — but not the last — viewers would see a patient at the 4077th die.

This patient was one of Hawkeye's friends.

Even before MASH introduced a heavy dose of drama to its episodes, the theme of the show was senseless death, and episodes like "Sometimes You Hear the Bullet" wove several related stories together to drive home that point.

While the episode maintained the series' satirical slant, it had a more somber tone than most of the episodes in that first season.

The story was primarily about Hawkeye's childhood friend Tommy (James Callahan), a writer by training and a former war correspondent who was writing a book about war from a soldier's perspective and dropped by the 4077th. The title of his book was to be "You Never Hear the Bullet," which was a rejection of all the scenes in war movies in which a soldier was fatally shot, and everyone heard the bullet. In reality, Tommy said, you don't hear the bullet.

Tommy was at the 4077th for a breather before resuming his work, and his reunion with Hawkeye (Alan Alda) told the viewers the friendship had existed for a long time. According to Hawkeye, it went back to grade school.

Earlier in the episode Frank (Larry Linville) had injured his back while with Hot Lips (Loretta Swit). Frank insisted that Henry (McLean Stevenson) should nominate him for a Purple Heart.

Frank, of course, did not mention the real circumstances surrounding his injury.

"According to your accident report," Henry said to Frank, "you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower."

When Frank confirmed that, Henry asked, "Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?"

Hot Lips brought attention to a technicality. "This injury was sustained at a front–line unit," she said. "Technically that makes it battle connected."

"On that basis," Hawkeye said, "we'll be handing out medals for social diseases."

And then, after Tommy had come and gone, Ron Howard (in one of his TV appearances between his runs as Opie on the Andy Griffith Show and Richie on Happy Days) played a very young Marine whose appendix had burst and had been brought to the 4077th for treatment.

Initially, Hawkeye was willing to stay quiet when he learned that the young Marine was actually 15 years old and had used a fake ID to enlist — all to impress a girl.

Tommy unexpectedly returned to the 4077th with a mortal wound and died on the operating table, where he confessed that he heard the bullet. Hawkeye, all set to operate on his friend, told him he would change the title to "Sometimes You Hear the Bullet."

But he didn't live that long.

A grieving Hawkeye decided to spill the beans on Howard's character — motivated by the loss of his friend to prolong the boy's life.

Howard's character, in the defiance that is characteristic of youth, swore never to forgive Hawkeye for what he had done.

"Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate," Hawkeye replied.

Seldom have I been as impressed by TV writing.

Which Is Stranger, Truth or Fiction?

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"We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone; there's a little Tuttle left in all of us. In fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle."

Hawkeye (Alan Alda)

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At some point, I suppose, just about everyone has an imaginary friend, usually in childhood; in the episode of MASH that first aired on this night in 1973, "Tuttle," the viewers learned that Hawkeye (Alan Alda) had an imaginary friend he had never outgrown.

It formed the basis for what may have been the most bizarre episode of MASH's 11–year run.

When Hawkeye was growing up, Tuttle took the blame for anything Hawkeye did that he shouldn't have done. As you may have gathered, when Hawkeye was drafted, Tuttle accompanied Hawkeye to Korea — where, when Hawkeye and Trapper (Wayne Rogers) diverted supplies to a local orphanage, he continued to take the blame — or the responsibility, whichever way you prefer to look at it.

As the episode progressed, the full depth of Tuttle's character became known through a variety of means — most notably a personnel file that Hawkeye made up.

The creation of the personnel file, with Trapper and Radar (Gary Burghoff) watching over Hawkeye's shoulder, was hilarious and featured some of my favorite lines.

For example, when the form called for religious affiliation, Hawkeye said Tuttle was a Druid. "They worship trees," he told Radar. "Ah, a tree surgeon," Radar replied.

"Druid — reformed," Hawkeye continued. "They're allowed to pray at bushes."

As the personnel file grew, Trapper told Hawkeye, "You should write fiction."

"You should read my file," Hawkeye replied.

Hawkeye added physical characteristics that he knew would appeal to Hot Lips (Loretta Swit), who was sure to look at the file — which she did.

The more layers Hawkeye added to the character, the more people in the compound claimed to have seen him, met him, even had meals with him. Eventually, though, the whole thing collapsed when it became necessary for Capt. Tuttle to make a personal appearance.

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Those demands were manageable at first, but ultimately it reached a point where something had to be done.

Hawkeye couldn't create a Tuttle out of thin air so he did what may have been the next best thing — he killed off his creation.

Before the staff of the 4077th, which had been assembled to witness a commendation being given to Tuttle for donating his salary to the orphanage, Hawkeye stepped forward to inform everyone that there was no Tuttle.

Then he told them that Tuttle had gone out to do some field surgery that morning and had jumped from a helicopter with everything he needed — except a parachute.

At that point Hawkeye delivered a eulogy that must be heard to be appreciated, but Trapper told Hawkeye afterward that "there wasn't a dry eye in the whole camp."

"Tuttle always brought out the best in me," Hawkeye replied.

The Course of True Love ...

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In the episode of MASH that first aired on this night in 1973, "Love Story," Radar (Gary Burghoff) was a real mess.

He couldn't eat — oh, he would fill his plate with food, but then he would mysteriously decide that he wasn't hungry. And he couldn't sleep. Well, not normally. One day Henry (McLean Stevenson) came into his office and found Radar on top of the file cabinet — in the fetal position.

That was strange, even for Radar.

The doctors at the 4077th decided to give Radar a complete physical in an attempt to find out what was wrong. But all the tests indicated that he was in good physical health.

So Hawkeye (Alan Alda) and Trapper (Wayne Rogers) sat him down and asked him to 'fess up.

"What's turning you into a fruitcake?" Trapper asked.

Wordlessly Radar handed a 45 RPM record to Trapper, who put it on the record player in the tent. It was a recording from Radar's girlfriend back home — a "Dear John" recording informing Radar that she had decided not to wait for him and was going to marry someone else.

When the recording was over, Trapper and Hawkeye turned to give Radar some supportive advice — only to find that he was sleeping in the fetal position on one of the cots.

Thus began an effort to find a new love interest for Radar, but Hawkeye and Trapper could find no takers among the ladies of the camp.

Then arrived a pretty lieutenant (Kelly Jean Peters) and Radar was infatuated.

Hawkeye volunteered to help the new arrival unpack so he could learn about her musical and literary preferences, and he reported back to Radar with bad news — she was a fan of the classics in both categories. She carried recordings of Bach, Tchaikovsky and Shostakovich with her as well as volumes of classical literature and poetry. Carrying on a conversation with her was going to be a challenge for someone like Radar, a naive farm boy who was probably more at home with a Spike Jones record and a Captain Marvel comic book.

But Hawkeye was ready with tips for Radar, and he coached him in diversionary responses.

If the lieutenant spoke about Tchaikovsky or Shostakovich, for example, Hawkeye said Radar should simply look bored. But if she mentioned Bach, Hawkeye recommended a nod, a knowing smile and an "Ahhh, Bach."

Either response was sure to cut short that discussion.

And, as a matter of fact, she did mention Bach when the four were having a meal in the mess tent. And Radar followed Hawkeye's advice.

But she threw him a curve. She asked him what that meant. He replied with something else Hawkeye told him to say — "That's highly significant."

You might say Radar jumped the conversational gun on that one.

"I haven't said anything yet," she replied.

"That's OK," Radar ad–libbed. "I have confidence in you, Lieutenant."

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Somehow Radar managed to start a blossoming relationship that Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) and Frank (Larry Linville) were determined to nip in the bud.

The relationship was counter to regulations, and Frank and Hot Lips were sticklers for regulations — conveniently overlooking the fact that their romance wasn't exactly in line with regulations, either.

Part of Hot Lips' strategy included sending letters of complaint to the unit's commander, General Clayton.

Hawkeye and Trapper were just as determined to stop them and dipped into their extensive bag of tricks to do so.

Well, as Shakespeare wrote in "A Midsummer Night's Dream," the course of true love never did run smooth.

Unlucky in Love

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Hawkeye (Alan Alda): Edwina, may I kiss you?

Edwina (Arlene Golonka): Is your mouth insured?

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Actress Arlene Golonka made something of a career playing bubbly girl–next–door types on TV and in the movies.

She appeared on the most popular TV shows of her day and might have been America's sweetheart if not for the fact that the competition for that designation was rather strong at the time. I always thought she was cute and that she should have no trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex, but she never seemed to rise above supporting roles.

In the episode of MASH that aired on Christmas Eve 1972, "Edwina," Golonka played what is best described as a female version of Joe Btfsplk from the Li'l Abner comic strip. If you're too young to remember Li'l Abner, Joe Btfsplk was such a jinx that an ominous dark cloud followed him wherever he went.

Edwina, Golonka's character, was a female Joe Btfsplk. She was, to put it kindly, a klutz — impossibly inept and thoroughly unable to get a date, let alone a relationship. Her woeful love life was the basis of a heart–to–heart she had with Margie (Marcia Strassman in one of her last appearances on MASH) on the occasion of Edwina's birthday, and the outcome was a kind of boycott. None of the females in camp would have anything to do with the males (outside the O.R., of course) until one of them went out with Edwina.

This prompted something of a crisis among the males at the 4077th, and it was decided that someone had to take a bullet for the team. It was determined that the fair way to make this decision would be to draw straws to designate Edwina's date. Not participating was not an option; the penalty for nonparticipation was, in Hawkeye's words, to be "stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines."

(In today's environment, such a condescending, politically incorrect approach to male–female relationships most likely would be frowned upon.)

Perhaps inevitably Hawkeye (Alan Alda), the 4077th's legendary Lothario, drew the short straw.

And he did try — boy, did he try — but his date with Edwina was a disaster by anyone's standards.

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It was just one thing after another.

At first Hawkeye tried to put the best spin possible on everything. When Edwina tossed her martini glass while trying to think of a toast and spilled her drink on Hawkeye, he insisted that he liked wearing a wet T–shirt because it saved him the trouble of sweating.

But after a series of mishaps — most notably including broken glass and Hawkeye stepping on it in bare feet — Edwina lamented that she had "killed" him. Hawkeye protested, "I don't have that kind of luck."

In the process, though, Hawkeye may have found the root of Edwina's problem. Hawkeye concluded that, in a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hurt, Edwina was physically hurting others — to summarize Hawkeye, she was beating others to the hurt. Edwina seemed to be liberated by this revelation — and in her exuberance, she dislodged the stovepipe in the tent, covering Hawkeye in soot.

Far from being upset, Hawkeye began laughing uncontrollably.

Well, nothing lasts forever. Edwina's time at the 4077th came to an end shortly thereafter, and she was never seen in the compound again.

Golonka went on to other TV and film roles.

What's New?

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The glee club meets in the mess tent at 0800 hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo, "I'm Confessin' That I Love You."

P.A. announcer

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The episode of MASH that first aired on this night in 1972, "Dear Dad," was the series' first to use what became a rather familiar tactic on the show — telling a story in the form of a letter being written to someone back home.

The device would be used with other characters over the years, but in this case it was Hawkeye (Alan Alda) who was writing a letter to his father during the Christmas season. Other episodes utilizing the "Dear Dad" title would focus on Hawkeye's letters to his father, but letters home from Col. Potter, Radar, Klinger, etc., were also used in future episodes.

Thus the narration was in fact the text of the letter that Hawkeye was writing during a lull in the fighting.

The episode also helped to firmly establish the dual themes of the series — the antiwar theme and the comedic theme. "Dear Dad" was only the series' 12th episode, and MASH was still seeking its identity.

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As I say the Christmas season had arrived, and Hawkeye used the letter to fill his father in on the news from MASH 4077th.

Radar (Gary Burghoff) was mailing a Jeep back to the States — one piece at a time.

Henry Blake (McLean Stevenson) delivered a sex lecture despite being clearly uncomfortable doing so.

And Hawkeye and Trapper John (Wayne Rogers) sabotaged the tent where Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) and Frank (Larry Linville) were to spend the evening together.

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But all those things could have happened at any time of the year. They didn't have to be a week before Christmas.

What really made the episode a Christmas episode was the final segment, in which the 4077th was hosting its annual Christmas party for the local Korean children. Hawkeye was slated to play Santa Claus.

But his plans changed. He was called away to do emergency field surgery on a chest wound.

Still dressed as Santa, he descended by rope from a chopper as the battle raged around him.

A soldier waiting in a foxhole with the wounded man saw Hawkeye's descent and said to his buddy, "And you said there was no Santa Claus."

The concept of using a letter as the narration for an episode was a good idea and worked better in future efforts. It was a case of improving each time it was done.

But "Dear Dad" succeeded pretty well as a first effort — and it is still a pretty good Christmas episode.

Losing Grasp of Reality

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"I had a dream last night that I was asleep, and I dreamed it while I was awake!"

Hawkeye (Alan Alda)

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In the episode of MASH that first aired on this night in 1972, "Bananas, Crackers and Nuts," the staff had just put in a brutal stretch of surgery — but the word was that the enemy had pulled back to regroup and no further action was expected for a week.

Immediately Hawkeye (Alan Alda) and Trapper John (Wayne Rogers) lobbied for some R&R, but Henry (McLean Stevenson) was leaving the camp for awhile, which left Frank (Larry Linville) in command. And Hawkeye and Trapper knew Frank wouldn't approve a leave for them.

So they came up with a scheme to try to persuade Frank that Hawkeye was losing his grip on reality and would need time off in Tokyo. In their plan, Trapper would accompany him because Trapper was "the only one that can handle him." It seemed like a foolproof plan.

They staged a scene in the mess tent in which Hawkeye, dressed in surgical garb, came in with a plate of freshly cooked liver and sat down within arm's reach of a bottle of ketchup. In his conversation with Frank and Hot Lips (Loretta Swit), Hawkeye strongly implied that the liver came from the corpse of a North Korean.

Frank agreed to authorize the time off.

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But Hot Lips wasn't convinced and suggested that they summon a psychiatrist to examine Hawkeye. It turned out that Hot Lips knew a brilliant psychiatrist (Stuart Margolin) who had been crazy about her for years.

When they first met, Hawkeye implied that he was in love with Frank — an eyebrow–raising confession as far as the psychiatrist was concerned. And the psychiatrist decided to take Hawkeye back to Tokyo with him for observation.

That was when the episode really took off. Hawkeye and Trapper hatched another plan — with the help of Radar (Gary Burghoff) — to set up the psychiatrist using the object of his affections as the unwitting bait.

They switched the signs on Hot Lips' tent so the psychiatrist would think he was going into the visitors' tent. Then, once he was inside, the sign was switched again. When Hot Lips went into the tent, the psychiatrist grabbed her, Hot Lips screamed and the rest of the camp came running.

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It was still early in the series' first season, but Hawkeye was establishing a reputation for resisting authority. OK, his character had already established that in the movie — but a TV series is a different animal. Each sitcom must have its own running jokes to succeed and must maintain them regularly. MASH did a pretty good job with that. After all, it lasted 11 seasons.

Margolin made another appearance on MASH — in its second season — as yet another specialist, summoned to the camp to perform nose surgery.

'Saints in Surgical Garb'

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"Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a 50–50 chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and antipersonnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie. But then, no war is a movie."

Hawkeye (Alan Alda)

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Even long–time fans of MASH may not have noticed, but there was a policy that existed for more than half of the series' run — the laugh track that was always present in scenes that showed The Swamp or the mess tent or the colonel's office (or anywhere else) was not present in the operating room.

That was a sign of reverence and respect. The operating room is a serious place so, even though the surgeons cracked as many jokes in the O.R. as they did outside it, there was no laugh track there.

It was not always that way. It was a policy that evolved and was actually a compromise. See, the creators of the series — Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds — didn't want a laugh track at all. CBS rejected that but ultimately agreed to a compromise in which the laugh track was omitted from operating room sequences.

In a way, the episode that aired on this night in 1972, "Yankee Doodle Doctor," gave the show's fans a peek into the future.

Not that there were that many fans in 1972, anyway. The show was in its first season and wound up rated #46 when the season was over. It appeared to be on its way to cancellation, but it got some traction from summer reruns and was rescued. It was in TV's Top 10 every season for the rest of its run.

But that was still in its future when "Yankee Doodle Doctor" aired 45 years ago tonight.

As the episode opened, it became clear to the audience that an Army documentary was going to be made about the 4077th.

And as the episode unfolded, it became clear to Hawkeye (Alan Alda) and Trapper John (Wayne Rogers) that it was pure propaganda, right down to the insipid narration that Frank (Larry Linville) did, which referred to the surgeons at the 4077th as "saints in surgical garb," and they wanted nothing to do with it.

But after they had sabotaged the finished film — driving the director from Special Services and the unit's commanding general (Herb Voland in a recurring role) away — Hawkeye and Trapper convinced Col. Blake (McLean Stevenson) to let them make their own movie.

And what a movie it was.

With the help of Radar (Gary Burghoff) and Nurse Cutler (Marcia Strassman), they made a slapstick feature that paid homage to the Marx Brothers — with Hawkeye dressed as Groucho and Trapper as Harpo. Radar played a patient who was being "operated on" by Hawkeye — with a saw.

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It probably goes without saying that, given the slapstick nature of the movie Hawkeye and Trapper produced, the laugh track was used liberally.

But not in the final scene. In that scene, Hawkeye, seated next to an actual recovering patient, delivered the monologue that is reproduced at the top of this post. No laugh track was used — well, nothing funny was said in that segment so it would have been strange if one had been used. But it gave viewers a taste of what it would be like to watch MASH without a laugh track.

OK, that last scene wasn't in the O.R. But it was in post–op. Close enough.

Strassman, who was making her second appearance on MASH, seemed to be destined to be a cast regular, but she left after the season ended. I haven't been able to find out why, but she went on to land several significant parts on TV and in the movies.

She died of cancer three years ago this Tuesday.

Farewell, Father Mulcahy

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"I want to tell you about two men. Each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly. Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted with the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you will agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother! When the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he had ... I .... I ... I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so he could be here himself. So he could exist in the lives of those he created, in his image."

Father Mulcahy (William Christopher)

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William Christopher, who is remembered for playing Father Mulcahy on MASH but that only scratches the surface of his life's work, died today at the age of 84.

It seems, in many ways, to be the appropriate cap on a year that saw more celebrity deaths than usual. Not that the mother–daughter combo of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds wasn't dramatic enough, but losing Christopher isn't dramatic so much as final somehow. This is it. Enough. Be gone, 2016.

Christopher, as I understand it, was as soft spoken as the character he played, seldom the focus of episodes but always a moral compass and a character worthy of admiration.

When I think of him, I always think of an episode when Mulcahy was eager to make a good impression on a visiting cardinal. He sought the cooperation of those in the camp but kept running into obstacles.

Then he became involved with a crisis facing a patient at the camp, and he felt ashamed of his selfish behavior. While counseling the ailing soldier, he failed to show up on time for a special service honoring the visiting cardinal. He was summoned to the service wearing his bathrobe and apologized for not being prepared as he would have liked — or being dressed as he would have liked.

Then he proceeded to deliver the brilliant introduction to the cardinal that you can find at the top of this post.

When he was done, the cardinal stepped up to the podium — but, before addressing the congregation, he embraced Father Mulcahy warmly and said, "You're a tough act to follow."

It is truly fitting that William Christopher's should be the last celebrity death of 2016. He's a tough act to follow.

Analysis of a Letter

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"As you pointed out, Sigmund, there's a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye."

Sidney (Allan Arbus)

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In the episode of M*A*S*H that first aired on this night in 1976, "Dear Sigmund," Dr. Sidney Freedman (Allan Arbus) was making one of his frequent visits to the 4077th. There really were times during the series when Sidney seemed to be a glutton for punishment.

But there was a method to his madness. He believed "there's something special" about the unit — a healing quality — so, when he went there one night to play poker, he wound up staying for weeks trying to resolve problems he was having with a case that had turned out badly. After working with a patient for a long time — and believing they were on the verge of a breakthrough — Freedman's patient "listened to the voices" in his head that had been telling him to end his life.

It was a "Richard Cory" kind of tale. At least it struck me that way. I don't know if Sidney's patient was wealthy or not; I only know he had been having problems and was seeking psychiatric help.

Anyway, in a letter Sidney was writing to Sigmund Freud, he referred to the compound as a "kind of spa," reporting that "the waters are pretty good here." (I presume that would only be if they were mixed with some of Hawkeye's and B.J.'s homemade hooch.)

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Speaking of Hawkeye (Alan Alda), Freedman wrote about how Hawkeye had made the rounds in post–op one day "with a personality that had split 2 for 1" — and a pair of diver's flippers on his feet.

Most of Sidney's letter dealt with different ways the M*A*S*H folks found to occupy themselves during their down time — one of which was the poker game. By far the thing that occupied most people's thoughts and actions was a wave of practical jokes that had been sweeping the compound. No one knew who the practical jokester was or who might be his next victim.

The viewer always knew when the jokester had struck, though. One time a bench in the mess hall tipped over when someone sat at the end of it. Another time Col. Potter (Harry Morgan) got black rings around his eyes after using binoculars.

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The joker turned out to be B.J. (Mike Farrell). Sidney found out when he discovered B.J. filling a hole in the ground with water. Frank Burns (Larry Linville) had been digging the holes to be prepared for air raids.

"As loud as you can," B.J. said to Sidney after enlisting his help in the practical joke, "shout 'Air raid!'" Which he did — and Frank came running out of the tent and dove into the hole, not realizing it was full of water.

On what was apparently a very cold first day of spring, the folks in the compound gathered outside for a brief ceremonial unveiling of a cherry blossom they had been trying to grow. They quickly covered it up and returned it to a makeshift greenhouse where it had been kept — and apparently would remain until springlike weather arrived to rejuvenate the frozen earth.

Sidney felt rejuvenated enough by that point to leave, observing as he did that happiness is "like springtime at M*A*S*H. If you can't see it or find it, you just go ahead and make it."

Which is pretty good advice.

The Quest for What's Next

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"When I was very young, my little brother died. I couldn't fully comprehend it at the time. But for months after the ... accident, I was unable to pass his room without this ... nameless fear. I would get this, uh, tingling sensation in my chest and my arms. And then yesterday, when I found out that I indeed had come close, very close, to death myself, that sensation returned."

Charles (David Ogden Stiers)

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I am reasonably certain that just about everyone, at some time in his or her life, wonders what happens when we die. The more spiritual among us probably muse about it more often than the rest of us — and more intensely when they do.

I always suspected that M*A*S*H's Charles Emerson Winchester (David Ogden Stiers) was a spiritual person. He was pompous, to be sure, but I always sensed that his character was very spiritual as well. His predecessor at the 4077th, Frank Burns, wore his faith on his sleeve; he always seemed phony to me, and that was almost certainly intentional. But Winchester, while the same as Burns in some ways, was quite different in others.

And that is the way life is, isn't it? Whenever there is an opening at your workplace, it is never filled with a clone of the person who worked there before, is it? The replacement may have some things in common with the person he/she replaces, but the new person is a unique individual. That's the way it always was on M*A*S*H whenever a character had to be replaced — and I can think of at least four of the original cast members who left the show.

Winchester's personal quest for the truths of life always seemed genuine — and I thought that was clear to see in the episode of M*A*S*H that aired on this night in 1981, "The Life You Save."

Charles had a near–death experience when a sniper's bullet pierced the cap he was wearing, apparently missing his skull by centimeters at best. It prompted him to embark on an earnest but painful — and, ultimately, futile — journey to find out what really waits for us after death. There have been few scenes on TV as gripping as the one in which Charles badgered a patient who had been clinically dead for a few minutes to tell him what he had seen, what he had felt.

That proved to be unsatisfying, and Charles continued on his quest, which took him in some unexpected directions.

For example, while in charge of the motor pool, Charles instructed Rizzo (G.W. Bailey), the smarmy sergeant from Louisiana, to take a vehicle apart.

"Major, I don't understand; why am I taking this Jeep apart?" Rizzo asked. "It was working just fine!"

"Don't you understand the power you have here?" Charles asked. "You can take a Jeep apart and reduce it to an inert pile of junk, and whenever you want — at a whim — you can fit it together again, and it will roar back to life. If only we could do that with human beings. They wouldn't die."

None of Charles' efforts paid off, though, so he went to Battalion Aid to witness — and participate in — the treatment of the freshly wounded. No doubt he would encounter some soldiers who were mortally wounded, and he could ask them what they were experiencing.

Once he was at Battalion Aid, Charles had a telephone conversation with Col. Potter (Harry Morgan), who asked him, "Are you aware that you could get killed up there?"

"Actually no, that thought hadn't occurred to me," Charles replied. "That would be interesting, wouldn't it?" At that point, he went off in search of a dying soldier.

And, indeed, he did encounter a dying soldier, and he tried to find out what the soldier was feeling, seeing, experiencing — but, although the soldier was aware of the fact that he was dying, he could not feel Charles holding his hand, and the only thing he could say to Charles was "I smell bread."

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That, of course, gave Charles no insight, and he left Battalion Aid after the soldier died.

He also left his cap with the bullet hole at Battalion Aid — apparently concluding that, whatever waits for us after death, if anything does, he would find out what it was soon enough.

As I mentioned, Charles was temporarily in charge of the motor pool during this episode. That was Col. Potter's doing. Potter decided to rotate the additional duty assignments among his officers, and Hawkeye (Alan Alda) was put in charge of the mess tent. Upon taking his assignment, Hawkeye found himself responsible for dozens of missing trays — apparent cogs in Army bureaucracy.

It was an interesting side plot, and it probably had some relevance to the main story, but I have never been able to figure out what it was.

An interesting piece of trivia for you here. M*A*S*H ran for 11 seasons, Charles appeared in a little more than half of those seasons, and this was the only time Charles ever mentioned a sibling other than his sister Honoria. His younger brother was never mentioned again.

This episode was originally scheduled to air the day that Ronald Reagan was shot. Network executives figured — probably correctly — that the nation was in no mood to watch an episode about death hours after the president narrowly avoided death in an assassination attempt.

So it was delayed five weeks — and served as the season finale for M*A*S*H's ninth season, a season whose start was delayed by a three–month strike against TV and movie studios.

A Midsummer Night at M*A*S*H 4077th

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"As of last Tuesday, our C.P.A. is a certified public enemy — having been incarcerated on five counts of fraud, two counts of embezzlement and countless counts concerning accounts for which he cannot ... account."

Charles (David Ogden Stiers)

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I don't think it is necessary to have seen very many episodes of M*A*S*H before it occurs to you that the South Korea of the M*A*S*H universe was always either bitterly cold or brutally hot.

That is probably a bit of an exaggeration — but only a bit. The Korean weather was frequently the subject of jokes on the series, occasionally running for entire episodes, like the one that first aired on this night in 1981, "No Sweat."

Now, I have never been to Asia, but I understand that winters can be quite cold and summers can be hot and humid so that part is accurate. I also gather that the spring and fall months can have their pleasant moments, just as they do in this part of the world.

In other words, South Korea has its extreme moments weatherwise — but, really, doesn't every place? South Korea may have more of those moments than many places, but, come on. I live in Texas. As Gen. Phil Sheridan reportedly said, "If I owned Texas and hell, I would rent Texas and live in hell." We know all about heat here.

And folks in Canada know all about the cold and snow. I guess there are a couple of thousand miles between Texas and Canada, but we do have our bitterly cold snaps here during the winter, and Canadians have their brutally hot snaps in the summer. No place is immune, but few places go careening from one extreme to the other all year long.

In this particular episode, the folks at M*A*S*H were experiencing a severe heat wave, the kind that keeps you awake at night. Now, I'm the kind of person who can't sleep when I am hot and sweaty, anyway, so I could sympathize with the M*A*S*H folks, who were perspiring a lot in this heat wave — especially Margaret (Loretta Swit), who had developed a bad case of prickly heat on her derriere. She needed a certain kind of lotion to ease her suffering, but there had been so many cases of prickly heat that the camp was out of the lotion.

Everyone was affected by the heat, though, and the whole camp was up in the wee hours of the morning, looking for ways to fill the time. I have had my issues with insomnia from time to time as well, and I know how it feels to be up because it is so hot. As I said, I find it difficult to sleep when I am hot and sweaty, and it wasn't hard for me to project myself into their situation. I sure have been there. Been there, done that, don't want to do it again — but, as I say, I live in Texas. It is inevitable that I will be overwhelmed by the heat at some point.

(I have been so desperate to find a way to fill the time when I have been up with insomnia that once I mopped the floors in the kitchen and bathroom at about 2 or 3 in the morning. I guess I was hoping it would make me tired enough to fall asleep. Didn't work. I worked up a good sweat, but never fell asleep.)

Corporal Klinger (Jamie Farr) was up tinkering with the camp's P.A. system. He aspired to be a TV repairman when he went home, and he was getting in some electronics repair practice. Col. Potter (Harry Morgan) came into the office to fetch a sleeping pill. He was sure it would work because it always put him under, but he didn't want to grow dependent on them, which is why he kept them in his office, not his quarters.

Across the camp Major Charles Emerson Winchester (David Ogden Stiers) was trying to sort through his family's financial affairs. The family accountant had been convicted of fraud, embezzlement and, as Winchester put it, "countless counts concerning accounts for which he cannot ... account." Thus, his family had sent all its financial paperwork to him to sort through. He was in the mess tent, using the tables to spread out all that paperwork. Father Mulcahy (William Christopher) found him there and offered to make some lemonade.

More than the weather had B.J. (Mike Farrell) stewing. He was stressing out over a letter from his wife. Their house's gutters were clogged, and she was going to have to resolve the issue. His imagination was running wild. He had himself believing that these clogged gutters inevitably would drive his wife into the arms of a muscular handyman in their neighborhood.

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A wounded soldier was brought in, and that took precedence over everything else. A helicopter was needed to take the soldier to a hospital after the surgery was done, but only Col. Potter could authorize that so Klinger was dispatched to rouse the colonel and have him order the helicopter. The pill had, as Potter predicted, really put his lights out. When Klinger finally got him to the office, he prodded the colonel to place the order for the morning. The colonel began placing an order as if he were staying in a hotel and ordering room service — asking for poached eggs and prunes.

"Order a helicopter," Klinger whispered.

"No, thanks," the out–of–it colonel replied. "I'm not that hungry."

Well, Klinger got Potter to place the order and took him back to bed.

But that was just the beginning. It seemed everyone in camp suddenly needed Potter for some purpose, and every time he was summoned, he had managed to catch up to the previous interruption of his sleep. I guess it was one of those situations where real–world interruptions simply weave their way into a person's dreams.

Winchester was the first to call upon Potter after Klinger got him back to his quarters. Winchester needed carbon paper for his financial paperwork, and the carbon paper was kept in a safe. Only Potter knew the combination.

In Potter's condition, I always wondered how he managed to provide the right safe combination, but somehow he did, and Winchester got him back to his quarters.

Then Hot Lips, upon learning of the helicopter, decided to order it to bring the lotion that would ease her painful itching. Once again, that was a job for Colonel Potter, whose overburdened mind had to balance the two previous visits to his tent and Hot Lips' account of her need for the lotion.

"Medicine? Who's sick?" Potter inquired.

Hot Lips replied that no one was sick, but she had a severe inflammation on her buttocks. In his condition, Potter began reminiscing about a time when he got what he called "rump rots" during World War I when he was pinned down all night in a wet foxhole. Comparing his experience to Hot Lips, he observed, "That cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet."

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As it turned out Klinger had just finished putting the P.A. system together again, and the conversation had been broadcast all over camp.

Now everyone knew Hot Lips' little secret — except Potter, who would have no recall of that interruption — or any other interruption — of his pill–induced slumber the next day.

Letters From Home

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"I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce."

Charles Emerson Winchester (David Ogden Stiers)

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On this day in 1980, M*A*S*H's second episode of the season aired. Traditionally, a network television series begins its new season in September.

Why the delay? Well, there was this three–month strike by the Screen Actors Guild and AFTRA against television and movie studios, and it delayed the start of most series by a month or two.

At the time, as I recall, the public angst was over having to wait to find out who shot J.R. on Dallas. There certainly was no shortage of suspects, and the subject sparked some pretty intense debates while impatient viewers waited for the strike to be resolved.

But perhaps the greater tragedy was the fact that the delay deprived TV viewers of some top–quality writing and acting, such as was displayed on M*A*S*H on this night in 1980.

It was the ninth of what turned out to be 11 seasons on the air for M*A*S*H. The show was a fixture in the Top 10, and its producers knew it had nothing to prove. That is truly a rare opportunity in television — or in any human endeavor, for that matter — to be able to pursue any creative angle you desire, knowing that you can get away with it even if it bombs — but, because you are who you are, such a failure is not likely.

(Sort of like Apple Inc., I guess.)

It can encourage people to push the envelope, which is what the folks at M*A*S*H did in an episode called "Letters."

Speaking of envelopes ...

In the episode that aired on this night in 1980, Hawkeye (Alan Alda) had received a package from home. It was from a friend of his who was teaching fourth grade in Hawkeye's hometown of Crabapple Cove, Maine. In the package were letters from this friend's pupils, who had been assigned to write letters to the people serving in Korea. Hawkeye had written a letter to his friend telling him how boring life could be around the compound — between those chaotic periods when casualties kept the surgeons on their feet for 18 or 20 hours — so his friend had the idea of perhaps sparking some pen pal relationships between the kids and the folks in the M*A*S*H unit.

Hawkeye distributed handfuls of letters to the familiar gang — B.J., Col. Potter, Charles, Hot Lips, Klinger, Father Mulcahy — and made only one rule: They all had to answer the letters they had been given. No swapping, trading or stealing.

Even though Father Mulcahy (William Christopher) had already opened a letter that asked if he had saved many lives. "A doctor really should answer that one," he noted. "I specialize in saving souls, not lives."

Col. Potter (Harry Morgan) reminded Mulcahy of his efforts with someone named Irving, which inspired Mulcahy's response. Turned out Irving was a homeless dog who showed up around the compound — and had a bit of a taste for booze. Well, more than a taste. Irving was a lush.

Mulcahy recalled that there had been a dog like that when he was in seminary. The way the seminary students had cured him was to make him drink bowl after bowl of whiskey until he was sick, then give him more whiskey when he was hung over. It worked on Irving.

"If people only had the horse sense dogs do," Mulcahy wrote.

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One of the best vignettes of the episode focused on Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) and the attachment she formed to some of the patients who came through the compound — even, or perhaps especially, the ones who died. The viewing audience saw her sitting next to a mortally wounded soldier, smiling even though she knew he only had an hour or two to live. It was a rare glimpse into what touched Hot Lips on a personal level.

Col. Potter shared his exploits as "Hoops" Potter and his near miss at tying the camp record for making consecutive free throws.

"Take a word of advice from a retired bucketeer," Col. Potter wrote in his reply to one of the students. "If you take up a sport, make it horseshoes where you don't have to be perfect."

Klinger (Jamie Farr), the first–class Army scrounge, told one of the correspondents about his latest get–rich–quick scheme. He had acquired a couple of chinchillas and was planning to breed them for their fur — until Charles (David Ogden Stiers), who had worked with lab rodents when in medical school, informed Klinger that both of his chinchillas were male.

Hawkeye found himself having to answer a letter that struck a nerve. It was from a youngster whose older brother had served in Korea. He had been wounded and was sent to a M*A*S*H unit that patched him up and sent him back to his unit, where he was killed in combat.

"You doctors just make people better so they can end up dead. I hate you all," the letter concluded.

Hawkeye tried to get Father Mulcahy to write the reply, but Mulcahy refused. He said the letter had stirred up deep emotions within Hawkeye, and he would have to deal with them whether he wrote the letter or not. So Hawkeye answered the letter.

"It's not a good idea to take the love you had for your brother and turn it into hate," Hawkeye wrote in his reply. "Hate makes war, and war is what killed him. I understand your feelings. Sometimes I hate myself for being here, but once in awhile in the midst of this insanity a very small event can make my being here seem almost bearable."

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That was good, but I think my very favorite part of the episode involved Charles. He had been enjoying penning sarcastic replies to the letters he had been given, but one letter made him pause. It was from a young girl who wrote about autumn in Maine and the beauty of the leaves. She enclosed a leaf from a birch tree because she wasn't sure if Korea had an autumn, and she wanted to share the beauty with the person who got her letter.

Charles, a native of Boston, knew about autumn in New England. "It is with indescribable joy," he wrote, "that I accept your gift. It is indeed testimony to the beauty that exists in all creation, but perhaps nowhere more than in a young girl's heart."

From time to time, M*A*S*H aired episodes that followed a similar structure. A single thing, like the receipt of all those letters, was an opportunity to look into the hearts and souls of the leading characters. I don't think it was a new technique, but I believe M*A*S*H perfected it.

Perhaps on this night 35 years ago.