The Night MASH Almost Ended

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"I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody."

Hawkeye (Alan Alda)

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We know that MASH was one of the most popular TV shows of all time. It lasted 11 seasons, and it was in the Top 10 — if not the Top 5 — most of the time.

But as it was nearing the end of its first season, the future was really in doubt. MASH ended the 1972–73 season ranked No. 46.

The episode that aired on this night in 1973, "Ceasefire," was written when the decision about a second season had not been made — so two scripts were written. If the show was canceled, the script in which the war ended would be used. If it was picked up for a second season, the script in which the ceasefire turned out to be a false alarm would be used.

It isn't necessary, I am sure, to say which one it was. MASH ran until 1983.

Anyway, on to the episode.

Gen. Clayton (Herb Voland) informed Henry (McLean Stevenson) that a ceasefire was imminent — but that was unofficial, he warned Henry.

Nevertheless, Henry couldn't keep news like that to himself, and before long the entire camp was celebrating. Radar (Gary Burghoff) went around the camp to get messages and signatures for a memory book. Klinger (Jamie Farr) proceeded to give away his dresses, figuring he wouldn't need them anymore, now that the war was coming to an end.

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But Trapper (Wayne Rogers) didn't believe it. He said this kind of thing always happens in a war, and he bet Hawkeye $50 that the ceasefire would turn out to be a phony.

In the meantime, Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) was putting up a brave front, telling Frank (Larry Linville) that he was not to worry about her, that he was to go back to his old life and pick up where he left off. "I'm not going to make any trouble."

Hot Lips apparently wanted Frank to say something like he would leave his old life behind and stay with her. But he didn't do that. He told Hot Lips he wished she could meet his wife. "You'd like her," he said. That wasn't quite what she wanted to hear.

For the first time, Hawkeye acknowledged that he had a wife — but he did so for a different reason. He did so to avoid having to commit to all the women he had been with at MASH 4077. This caused considerable social difficulties for Hawkeye when word spread through the camp that he was married with five children.

That wasn't true, of course. Hawkeye was a bachelor. He just wanted to avoid complications. It worked beyond his wildest dreams.

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While we're on the subject, this wasn't the final episode of the season for MASH, but it was the final appearance by Marcia Strassman. She was mostly considered Hawkeye's girl in that first season, but then she left the show and went on to become Mrs. Kotter on Welcome Back, Kotter a few years later.

Anyway, to celebrate the ceasefire, Gen. Clayton came to the 4077th, where a commemorative slide show was presented in Clayton's honor. It included shots of the general in his private moments — exiting the latrine and cuddling with Hot Lips.

Then the hammer came down. A communique was handed to the general informing him that the ceasefire was off.

Trapper had won his bet — and the show went on for another decade.

Unlucky in Love

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Hawkeye (Alan Alda): Edwina, may I kiss you?

Edwina (Arlene Golonka): Is your mouth insured?

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Actress Arlene Golonka made something of a career playing bubbly girl–next–door types on TV and in the movies.

She appeared on the most popular TV shows of her day and might have been America's sweetheart if not for the fact that the competition for that designation was rather strong at the time. I always thought she was cute and that she should have no trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex, but she never seemed to rise above supporting roles.

In the episode of MASH that aired on Christmas Eve 1972, "Edwina," Golonka played what is best described as a female version of Joe Btfsplk from the Li'l Abner comic strip. If you're too young to remember Li'l Abner, Joe Btfsplk was such a jinx that an ominous dark cloud followed him wherever he went.

Edwina, Golonka's character, was a female Joe Btfsplk. She was, to put it kindly, a klutz — impossibly inept and thoroughly unable to get a date, let alone a relationship. Her woeful love life was the basis of a heart–to–heart she had with Margie (Marcia Strassman in one of her last appearances on MASH) on the occasion of Edwina's birthday, and the outcome was a kind of boycott. None of the females in camp would have anything to do with the males (outside the O.R., of course) until one of them went out with Edwina.

This prompted something of a crisis among the males at the 4077th, and it was decided that someone had to take a bullet for the team. It was determined that the fair way to make this decision would be to draw straws to designate Edwina's date. Not participating was not an option; the penalty for nonparticipation was, in Hawkeye's words, to be "stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines."

(In today's environment, such a condescending, politically incorrect approach to male–female relationships most likely would be frowned upon.)

Perhaps inevitably Hawkeye (Alan Alda), the 4077th's legendary Lothario, drew the short straw.

And he did try — boy, did he try — but his date with Edwina was a disaster by anyone's standards.

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It was just one thing after another.

At first Hawkeye tried to put the best spin possible on everything. When Edwina tossed her martini glass while trying to think of a toast and spilled her drink on Hawkeye, he insisted that he liked wearing a wet T–shirt because it saved him the trouble of sweating.

But after a series of mishaps — most notably including broken glass and Hawkeye stepping on it in bare feet — Edwina lamented that she had "killed" him. Hawkeye protested, "I don't have that kind of luck."

In the process, though, Hawkeye may have found the root of Edwina's problem. Hawkeye concluded that, in a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hurt, Edwina was physically hurting others — to summarize Hawkeye, she was beating others to the hurt. Edwina seemed to be liberated by this revelation — and in her exuberance, she dislodged the stovepipe in the tent, covering Hawkeye in soot.

Far from being upset, Hawkeye began laughing uncontrollably.

Well, nothing lasts forever. Edwina's time at the 4077th came to an end shortly thereafter, and she was never seen in the compound again.

Golonka went on to other TV and film roles.

'Saints in Surgical Garb'

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"Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a 50–50 chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and antipersonnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie. But then, no war is a movie."

Hawkeye (Alan Alda)

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Even long–time fans of MASH may not have noticed, but there was a policy that existed for more than half of the series' run — the laugh track that was always present in scenes that showed The Swamp or the mess tent or the colonel's office (or anywhere else) was not present in the operating room.

That was a sign of reverence and respect. The operating room is a serious place so, even though the surgeons cracked as many jokes in the O.R. as they did outside it, there was no laugh track there.

It was not always that way. It was a policy that evolved and was actually a compromise. See, the creators of the series — Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds — didn't want a laugh track at all. CBS rejected that but ultimately agreed to a compromise in which the laugh track was omitted from operating room sequences.

In a way, the episode that aired on this night in 1972, "Yankee Doodle Doctor," gave the show's fans a peek into the future.

Not that there were that many fans in 1972, anyway. The show was in its first season and wound up rated #46 when the season was over. It appeared to be on its way to cancellation, but it got some traction from summer reruns and was rescued. It was in TV's Top 10 every season for the rest of its run.

But that was still in its future when "Yankee Doodle Doctor" aired 45 years ago tonight.

As the episode opened, it became clear to the audience that an Army documentary was going to be made about the 4077th.

And as the episode unfolded, it became clear to Hawkeye (Alan Alda) and Trapper John (Wayne Rogers) that it was pure propaganda, right down to the insipid narration that Frank (Larry Linville) did, which referred to the surgeons at the 4077th as "saints in surgical garb," and they wanted nothing to do with it.

But after they had sabotaged the finished film — driving the director from Special Services and the unit's commanding general (Herb Voland in a recurring role) away — Hawkeye and Trapper convinced Col. Blake (McLean Stevenson) to let them make their own movie.

And what a movie it was.

With the help of Radar (Gary Burghoff) and Nurse Cutler (Marcia Strassman), they made a slapstick feature that paid homage to the Marx Brothers — with Hawkeye dressed as Groucho and Trapper as Harpo. Radar played a patient who was being "operated on" by Hawkeye — with a saw.

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It probably goes without saying that, given the slapstick nature of the movie Hawkeye and Trapper produced, the laugh track was used liberally.

But not in the final scene. In that scene, Hawkeye, seated next to an actual recovering patient, delivered the monologue that is reproduced at the top of this post. No laugh track was used — well, nothing funny was said in that segment so it would have been strange if one had been used. But it gave viewers a taste of what it would be like to watch MASH without a laugh track.

OK, that last scene wasn't in the O.R. But it was in post–op. Close enough.

Strassman, who was making her second appearance on MASH, seemed to be destined to be a cast regular, but she left after the season ended. I haven't been able to find out why, but she went on to land several significant parts on TV and in the movies.

She died of cancer three years ago this Tuesday.